Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember in grade school when we used our finger to spray away the cooties from a chair?

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   Tried the new fire and ice condoms last night...must have put it on inside out cause when it was over she rolled over and started snoring and I wanted to talk.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   Just when I think I couldn't possibly be any lazier, I surprise myself.

   It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.

   I thought LL in LL Cool J meant :adies Love....it obviously means "Lip Licker" cuz that's all he does after he finishes a sentence!! Gotta love the Grammy's!!

   Valentine Eve: worst time of the year.....constantly remind how single you are or stuck with this looser cupid picked out for you.

   My wife's going to be happy with tonight's planned tv. There's going to be balls moving all the screen. Champions League starts again tonight

   bums would prob do better recyclin their shoppin carts instead of cans

   hindsight is 20/20...we should have registered at home depot instead of macys

   work face: open mouth, look up, avoid eye contact, never get asked to do anything important again

   I guess my other 510 friends have real lives!

   On my laptop, sticky keys are always on.

   there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......

   Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!

   My girlfriend's baby is now two weeks late, so we're going to call it "Bieber." It just doesn't want to come out.

   Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.

   An acquaintance will buy you a drink; a friend will pay off your tab.