Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   snow!! where as..all lawns are created equal

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.

   If I choose you over my sleep, you better feel special.

   Soulja boy in prison will really help is career. For once he will have bars.

   In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There's *weather* in here.

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Best way to describe me: beautiful on the inside and outside. Mainly outside.

   I can understand Kim wanting a divorce, I mean I thought he was Blake Griffin too

   remember in grade school when we used our finger to spray away the cooties from a chair?

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   Tried the new fire and ice condoms last night...must have put it on inside out cause when it was over she rolled over and started snoring and I wanted to talk.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   Just when I think I couldn't possibly be any lazier, I surprise myself.

   It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.

   I thought LL in LL Cool J meant :adies Love....it obviously means "Lip Licker" cuz that's all he does after he finishes a sentence!! Gotta love the Grammy's!!

   Valentine Eve: worst time of the year.....constantly remind how single you are or stuck with this looser cupid picked out for you.

   My wife's going to be happy with tonight's planned tv. There's going to be balls moving all the screen. Champions League starts again tonight

   bums would prob do better recyclin their shoppin carts instead of cans