Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   loading weekend… ██████████ 80% complete - (for Thursdays)

   wonders..... are Kanye West's 15 minutes are up yet?

   may get her mink out tonight. It's time.

   having a bad day. the sidewalk tripped me, the wall ran into me and I got hit by a parked car. could my day get any worse? :)

   looking for my SHAKE-WEIGHT, so I can work off all this FOOD!!!

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   Well now that there is a prince of Cambridge, I am going to have to claim prince of Somerville before someone else does. . .

   i love going to church. especially when they pass around free money

   The baby's name is Prince George. Great! Now what do you all say we stop talking about it until he grows up, puts on a Nazi costume, and gets naked in Vegas?

   Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for approximately 30 seconds.

   Miley Miley Miley ..... I think you and that referee last night broke your daddy's achy breaky heart .... I just don't think he'd understand ..... Wheeeee hooooooo !

   Stay in drugs, eat your school, and don't do vegetables

   I'm pretty sure there's a Bruno Earth somewhere on Mars.

   Girls who say " A lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   Vanilla Ice wasn't as terrible as he's been made out to be... He's just had a bad rap.

   I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!

   Can we please have a moment of silence for the respect we lost for Hugo Chavez?