Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was born cool, but the global warming made me hot

   The only phrase I remember growing up was, "Don't put your hands back there!".

   DO NOT breathe in my face, if you can't handle the truth........."Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"..."Did you have chicken sh!t tacos?"..."No?!?"..."Well then, your breath does NOT smell like tacos..."

   Honestly.... I really do care where and when you workout

   Window shopping is a pane.

   Ass, Gas or Grass works on all hitchhikers until you see that 250 pound fat chick holding a full gas can with a doobie in her mouth and her thumb out...Keep driving! Keep driving!

   They should have one Facebook for True Friends "Two Face"book for the Rest!! Just Sayin

   Finally they managed to fix the oil leak and I haven't heard of Justin Bieber lately. Are you thinking what I'am thinking?

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   loading weekend… ██████████ 80% complete - (for Thursdays)

   wonders..... are Kanye West's 15 minutes are up yet?

   may get her mink out tonight. It's time.

   having a bad day. the sidewalk tripped me, the wall ran into me and I got hit by a parked car. could my day get any worse? :)

   looking for my SHAKE-WEIGHT, so I can work off all this FOOD!!!

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   Well now that there is a prince of Cambridge, I am going to have to claim prince of Somerville before someone else does. . .

   i love going to church. especially when they pass around free money

   The baby's name is Prince George. Great! Now what do you all say we stop talking about it until he grows up, puts on a Nazi costume, and gets naked in Vegas?