Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   APPARENTLY, when watching children, it's 'bad' to throw scraps of food and water down on the floor so they can fend for themselves. I don't really understand the problem since I tied they're leashes to the table leg so nothing bad would happen!!!

   Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   can't believe he's not butter!

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   Nurses can be very delicate individuals. They're caregivers. Sensitive. Empathetic. And sometimes they stick a thermometer in your butt!

   saw a girl with a sweatshirt that said Abercrombie and Fitch. So I introduced myself..apparently that was not the names of her breasts..OUCH!!

   I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

   it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there I say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?

   I was born cool, but the global warming made me hot

   The only phrase I remember growing up was, "Don't put your hands back there!".

   DO NOT breathe in my face, if you can't handle the truth........."Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"..."Did you have chicken sh!t tacos?"..."No?!?"..."Well then, your breath does NOT smell like tacos..."

   Honestly.... I really do care where and when you workout

   Window shopping is a pane.

   Ass, Gas or Grass works on all hitchhikers until you see that 250 pound fat chick holding a full gas can with a doobie in her mouth and her thumb out...Keep driving! Keep driving!

   They should have one Facebook for True Friends "Two Face"book for the Rest!! Just Sayin

   Finally they managed to fix the oil leak and I haven't heard of Justin Bieber lately. Are you thinking what I'am thinking?

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs