Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenthood is always saying the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Funny thing is, that's the same definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not!

   So looking forward to all the Easter weekend mattress sales.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   Getting stuff out of my wardrobe is like playing Jenga.

   "With great b( . )( . )bs come great responsibility". JFK I think

   The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.

   Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates

   When the relationship hits the wall the douchebag deploys.

   just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list

   Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!

   I don't want to set the world on fire........just you.

   "You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach

   Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.

   Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.

   A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.

   If you are in a strip club getting a lap dance, burn your jeans afterwards.

   I liked Carrie Underwood better when she made that deviled ham.