Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I could wish you the best, but then you already been with me.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   My friend Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I

   If Monday hd a face......I would knock the $h!t out of it!!!

   Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM

   I'm the easiest person in the world to get alone with.

   Wit is far more often a shield than a lance

   I'm not saying the 8th Annual #PuppyBowl was rigged...I just think someone was getting a little squeaky toy on the side.

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status...

   Today marks Valentine's Day of Silence…..it is for women who did not receive flowers, chocolates, cards etc....on Valentine….

   What's black, 'will always love you,' and has white on the nose? ... a Border Collie.

   Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you!

   While I do plan on checking out Malcom X for Black History Month, I am having a real hard time finding Volumes I-IX first.

   -I hate when I press #1 for english and I get someone that I can barely understand their language..soo I hang up, call again and press #2 for spanish..

   I think I'm getting lazier, I just paid a homeless guy a buck to tie my shoe

   if they remove your Gallbladder, and the meds from the Doctor makes you constipated, two McDonalds fish sandwiches will solve the poblem in under 30 minutes. . .