Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the easiest person in the world to get alone with.

   Wit is far more often a shield than a lance

   I'm not saying the 8th Annual #PuppyBowl was rigged...I just think someone was getting a little squeaky toy on the side.

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status...

   Today marks Valentine's Day of Silence…..it is for women who did not receive flowers, chocolates, cards etc....on Valentine….

   What's black, 'will always love you,' and has white on the nose? ... a Border Collie.

   Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you!

   While I do plan on checking out Malcom X for Black History Month, I am having a real hard time finding Volumes I-IX first.

   -I hate when I press #1 for english and I get someone that I can barely understand their language..soo I hang up, call again and press #2 for spanish..

   I think I'm getting lazier, I just paid a homeless guy a buck to tie my shoe

   if they remove your Gallbladder, and the meds from the Doctor makes you constipated, two McDonalds fish sandwiches will solve the poblem in under 30 minutes. . .

   My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks, but it just accepted my friend request, neat!

   The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.

   air guitar for sale! Any offers?

   Beware of women who have had enough BS and no longer care about the consequences of their actions!

   Headline: 42-year old, mother of two, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a 24-year old backup dancer! Yeah I always knew she wanted three kids.

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   I just don't get it. Some people talk about a bucket list but they are to lazy to get a job and buy the bucket.

   I put up all the Christmas lights for Easter.......

   The people in diaper commercials look so confident that I think I'm gonna start wearing one.