Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

   My car's GPS allows you to change voices. I tried the one featuring Karen Carpenter. When I try to calculate my arrival time, the only answer she gives is, "We've only just begun."

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.

   I like it thick and deep- Pizza

   I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

   Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   The 4th Noble Truth: If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.    

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   Forget all your "friends" on Facebook.. Wait until your dead and see how many "friends" really show up at your funeral

   if I had a penny that fell from above everytime I fell in love...i'll be rolling in my money, everyday would be sunny and i'll be looking forward to my next break up

   I dunno if I'm loud enough but I need you to pay attension to whats about to happen to me...

   Dress well and all doors will open for you. Wear Crocs and all the doors will close on you.

   After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.