Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...

   If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

   Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   The 4th Noble Truth: If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.    

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   Forget all your "friends" on Facebook.. Wait until your dead and see how many "friends" really show up at your funeral

   if I had a penny that fell from above everytime I fell in love...i'll be rolling in my money, everyday would be sunny and i'll be looking forward to my next break up

   I dunno if I'm loud enough but I need you to pay attension to whats about to happen to me...

   Dress well and all doors will open for you. Wear Crocs and all the doors will close on you.

   After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

   just got back from my morning walk and got a TON of canned goods!!!!