Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   United we stand divided we fall

   More tragic news out of the music industry. Dr Dre, while being detained by police, was being respectful without a weapon and was not shot and killed.

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   There was no robbery in Rio??? What do you call $10,800 in restitution for a broken bathroom door and a sign of a sandwich?

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...

   If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...