Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   United we stand divided we fall

   More tragic news out of the music industry. Dr Dre, while being detained by police, was being respectful without a weapon and was not shot and killed.

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   There was no robbery in Rio??? What do you call $10,800 in restitution for a broken bathroom door and a sign of a sandwich?

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.

   I like it thick and deep- Pizza

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   To end the coin storage let us all join together as a nation and dig into our couch cushions where we all should be sitting to help end the Coronavirus.

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Rememeber your vote does not count if you do not post it on social media.

   If you thought 2020 was bad, wait until 2021 when it's old enough to drink.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."