Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Rememeber your vote does not count if you do not post it on social media.

   If you thought 2020 was bad, wait until 2021 when it's old enough to drink.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   United we stand divided we fall

   More tragic news out of the music industry. Dr Dre, while being detained by police, was being respectful without a weapon and was not shot and killed.

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   There was no robbery in Rio??? What do you call $10,800 in restitution for a broken bathroom door and a sign of a sandwich?

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"