Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   My laundry detergent was swept out to sea by a fast moving current. R.I.P. Tide

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   You know. The world would be a happier place if everyone had the same sense of humor as the guy who named his supermarket chain Piggly Wiggly.

   I can't really Walk the Walk or Talk the Talk, but if you need someone to Drink the Drink then I'm your guy.

   No one ever boycotted my beans! - George W. Büsh

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

   My car's GPS allows you to change voices. I tried the one featuring Karen Carpenter. When I try to calculate my arrival time, the only answer she gives is, "We've only just begun."

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!