Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   blah. with all this warm weather, the opportunities to write my name in cursive in the snow are disappearing.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   The jockey on the winning horse in the Preakness was Jesus. Coincidence? I think not

   young enough to still get into trouble but old enough to still know better.

   my x says cell ph cause brain cancer,,Another excuse not to talk to me..!!!

   Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it ?

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   My laundry detergent was swept out to sea by a fast moving current. R.I.P. Tide

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   You know. The world would be a happier place if everyone had the same sense of humor as the guy who named his supermarket chain Piggly Wiggly.

   I can't really Walk the Walk or Talk the Talk, but if you need someone to Drink the Drink then I'm your guy.

   No one ever boycotted my beans! - George W. Büsh

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   To end the coin storage let us all join together as a nation and dig into our couch cushions where we all should be sitting to help end the Coronavirus.