Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need a lawyer and bail money.

   one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?

   Shagged this model who works for Abercrombie & Fitch last night... She was amazing, them new mannequins are so realistic!

   Well'p just saw my fb friend count go down a notch... I wonder if it's something I might have said....

   Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

   Just discovered there is a level of sadness where happy songs are way more depressing than sad songs.

   If a girl says, "I've never done this before" add that time to 20 more times to see what you dealing with.

   electric toy trains and breasts are very similar...both were made for children but it's dad who can't keep his hands off!

   You are your biggest enemy. Don't defeat yourself.

   do they name cyclones after women because it comes, takes all your stuff and leaves

   thinking that I need to go home and rest my conscience

   blah. with all this warm weather, the opportunities to write my name in cursive in the snow are disappearing.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   The jockey on the winning horse in the Preakness was Jesus. Coincidence? I think not

   young enough to still get into trouble but old enough to still know better.

   my x says cell ph cause brain cancer,,Another excuse not to talk to me..!!!

   Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it ?

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.