Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when you were younger that old guy at the pool that swam laps and yelled at all the kids to get off the ropes!!!

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   For the first time in history a chinese product has come up with a one year warranty.......MISS WORLD 2012 is Miss China, who will hold the tag for at least an year

   I saved a TON of money this year by remaining single this Holiday Season !

   Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.

   Just saw a guy take the ice cream cone out of his kid's hand and started eating it, in case you're wondering how serial killers are made.

   Why would two people admit they like each other when they can spend time playing "Let's see who texts the other person first" instead.

   that Kim Kardashian has had more hands up her skirt than the Muppets.

   believing Monday will be great is half the bottle...

   Does Krystal accept Valentines day reservations for one?

   If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!

   SO HUNGRY.. but not hungry enough to get up and get food.!!!!!!!!!

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.

   There's no 'i' in team.... Unless it's a team of Apple lawyers.

   "tums" needs to change their product name....some ppl are dyslexic with heart burn & easy offended by reading SMUT on the bottles

   I shouldn't have to say I love you when it's obvious that my p enis adores you.

   dating a rich guy can make you an INTELLIGENT BUSINESS WOMAN... and dating a poor guy makes you a HARD WORKER