Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, you're just a little bit afraid of having an unattractive child.

   It seems like medicine manufacturers have never tasted freaking fruit before. Funny, I don't remember cherries tasting like an a$$.

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.

   Painting beer cans for later.... Happy Easter!

   just figured i'd remind everyone that tomorrow is friday the 13th so if your luck is anything like mine call into work, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and lock yourself in your house

   was thinking with the end of the world coming a week from Saturday now might be a good time to pick up a new Ferrari and have an affair.

   My repunzle ended up being a b*tch in a costume...

   I can't breath through my nose, I'm in a perpetual state of sneeze, my eyes are watery, there is something crawling on my back and up my leg!!! OMG I love Spring!!!

   Wore a leisure suit to work and didn't get a thing done.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   Ok RedBull. You and I, we're done..No, we can't be just friends, it's over. I know, it's hard for you, but if all goes well, in a few months you can start a support group with your cohorts, caffeine and nicotine, coz their time is soon coming to an end .

   that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!

   takes wine in a box to a whole different level

   Colonel Khadafi looks like Carlos Santana.

   Something about seeing a mattress salesperson awake and sitting at their desk doesn't promote their product.. I wanna see someone passed out and snoring

   Just found out my birthsign is Pyrex, (just been told I was a testtube baby)

   I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea.

   I can never forgive John Madden for making Frank Caliendo's career possible.

   I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.

   I don't censor my opinions for anyone!