Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wore a leisure suit to work and didn't get a thing done.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   Ok RedBull. You and I, we're done..No, we can't be just friends, it's over. I know, it's hard for you, but if all goes well, in a few months you can start a support group with your cohorts, caffeine and nicotine, coz their time is soon coming to an end .

   that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!

   takes wine in a box to a whole different level

   Colonel Khadafi looks like Carlos Santana.

   Something about seeing a mattress salesperson awake and sitting at their desk doesn't promote their product.. I wanna see someone passed out and snoring

   Just found out my birthsign is Pyrex, (just been told I was a testtube baby)

   I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea.

   I can never forgive John Madden for making Frank Caliendo's career possible.

   I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.

   I don't censor my opinions for anyone!

   Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.

   A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.

   wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?

   People will trust you more if you end every conversation with, “May god be with you”

   That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing

   I haven't seen a beatin' like that since someone stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.

   Alot of people cry when they chop onions.. The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

   I dont listen, I just watch people talk.