Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just gave a squirrel some of his nuts

   Having my doubts about this dehydrated water that I bought off Craigslist for the plastic plants in my office..............

   Signs you are getting old: My friend was asked last week how she can sleep so early at night, and answered, "an eyemask." The person who asked wanted to know how an iMask worked.

   The NEW Black Panthers? what happened to the OLD Black Panters.?

   Next Election campaign should be "real change" the one after it should be "seriously change"

   The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.

   Just burped a raptor call..

   When life becomes boring it simply mean you're not living it right.

   I hope with all of the cool technology they're getting from that crashed UFO in Area 51 that one day scientists will be able to develop reversible socks without the annoying seam in the toe.

   I got accepted into my freinds "Recipie Exchange" here on facebook. I'm gonna start posting lots of pictures of Road Kill for my ingredients!

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   There is always a lesson to be learned from every mistake. What is that lesson? That you are a failure.

   I was pretty pissed about the fake iPhone5 too though...

   I got 99 problems and they are all female.

   Gynecologists work at the gap.

   I'm a murderer, I killed my old self.

   Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?

   Apple & Blackberry crumble!!!

   I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but $hit.

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.