Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope with all of the cool technology they're getting from that crashed UFO in Area 51 that one day scientists will be able to develop reversible socks without the annoying seam in the toe.

   I got accepted into my freinds "Recipie Exchange" here on facebook. I'm gonna start posting lots of pictures of Road Kill for my ingredients!

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   There is always a lesson to be learned from every mistake. What is that lesson? That you are a failure.

   I was pretty pissed about the fake iPhone5 too though...

   I got 99 problems and they are all female.

   Gynecologists work at the gap.

   I'm a murderer, I killed my old self.

   Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?

   Apple & Blackberry crumble!!!

   I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but $hit.

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   Admit it, you're just a little bit afraid of having an unattractive child.

   It seems like medicine manufacturers have never tasted freaking fruit before. Funny, I don't remember cherries tasting like an a$$.

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.

   Painting beer cans for later.... Happy Easter!

   just figured i'd remind everyone that tomorrow is friday the 13th so if your luck is anything like mine call into work, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and lock yourself in your house

   was thinking with the end of the world coming a week from Saturday now might be a good time to pick up a new Ferrari and have an affair.

   My repunzle ended up being a b*tch in a costume...

   I can't breath through my nose, I'm in a perpetual state of sneeze, my eyes are watery, there is something crawling on my back and up my leg!!! OMG I love Spring!!!