Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"

   Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.

   Plaid shirt guy for 2020!

   Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.

   Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.

   "We do not consider Melania's speech to be plagarism....As there was no intent to plagarism" - FBI Director Comey

   I ate so many Mcdonalds breakfast sandwiches this morning I'm turning into a stud McMuffin.

   New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.

   The Monk's "Nice Legs, Shame About your Face" is trump's favorite song about selecting a Senior Counselor for his administration ... and third wives.

   What burns Donald Trump more, losing the Trumpcare bill or his herpes that he referred to as his "personal Vietnam"?

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...

   checking my Myspace account....wishing Tom a Happy New year. Anyone remembers where the sign-off button is at?

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   I bet there was a lot of red solo cups used last night

   I know the Students have returned to school, But when did our once funny site become a Agony Aunt, lighten up people. Personal problems are Personal !!

   Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head.

   Before I married my wife she always said how smart I was. After we got married, according to her, I became a complete idiot who could not even tie his own shoes without her help. Please explane how I retrograded.

   The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN

   Have you ever watched you sister or gf actually play a fightin game? Its like watchin a cat on ice playin with bubble wrap.

   Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.