Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   checking my Myspace account....wishing Tom a Happy New year. Anyone remembers where the sign-off button is at?

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   I bet there was a lot of red solo cups used last night

   I know the Students have returned to school, But when did our once funny site become a Agony Aunt, lighten up people. Personal problems are Personal !!

   Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head.

   Before I married my wife she always said how smart I was. After we got married, according to her, I became a complete idiot who could not even tie his own shoes without her help. Please explane how I retrograded.

   The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN

   Have you ever watched you sister or gf actually play a fightin game? Its like watchin a cat on ice playin with bubble wrap.

   Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.

   I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!

   What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   We have several extra kids in our house that are invisible -  their names are ~ "It wasn't me,"  "I don't know," and "Why me"

   Everyone wants to say this is gangster and that's gangster but nobody has the ballz to actually be a gangster and put in some work! I am one of those people!

   Its 2012 and yous are arguing about pen1s sizes? Now mine on the other hand...

   I hate the expression "Is it just me or...." Of course it's just you or I'd have said it as well

   found the difference between being smart and wise: Smart is knowing what to say and wise is knowing whether or not to say it.

   My friend said nacho cheese dip isn't an authentic dish to bring to this Oktoberfest party, so I guess I'll draw some swastikas on the jar?

   ...sorry...it's is hard to pay attention when I wasn't listening

   don't hug a football fan, give him a pat on the buttocks