Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to successful relationships is to not start one.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.

   I don't see what the big deal is, I had to twerk at 8am.

   long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall

   Today is going to be a non-labor day

   Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas

   SB halftime show: Forget honesty, forget creativity, forget originality. In these days and times, the only thing these "fans" want is formulaic pablum served on a steamy silver platter of ad nauseam.

   Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.

   I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   Ted Cruz likes porn.

   Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.

   Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.