Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas

   SB halftime show: Forget honesty, forget creativity, forget originality. In these days and times, the only thing these "fans" want is formulaic pablum served on a steamy silver platter of ad nauseam.

   Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.

   I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   Ted Cruz likes porn.

   Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.

   Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.

   Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   Lets send the coronavirus tiger to Carole Baskin

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator?

   Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.