Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   Mark Sanchez has imaginary receivers...

   We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........

   When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide.

   maybe I will knock one out before sportscenter

   911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty

   "Which would make a better theme song for Anthony Weiner?: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground or my personal favorite, Here We Go Again?"

   Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

   Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.

   whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.

   You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.

   The key to successful relationships is to not start one.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.

   I don't see what the big deal is, I had to twerk at 8am.

   long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall

   Today is going to be a non-labor day

   Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...