Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.

   Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.

   25% vegetarian.

   scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever!

   Day old pizza that's been sitting out for a day? *shrugs* *eats four pieces*

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does.

   HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   Mark Sanchez has imaginary receivers...

   We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........

   When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide.

   maybe I will knock one out before sportscenter

   911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty

   "Which would make a better theme song for Anthony Weiner?: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground or my personal favorite, Here We Go Again?"

   Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

   Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.

   whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.

   You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.