Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   I broke up with my GF when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!?!

   The way US governments is running, I wonder how many taxes and permits would he have to get, If Noah was called up to build a boat in the 2013,.....

   Everyone is a professional runner when I'm chasing them on the sidewalk with my car.

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   The hottest club in town is the one with the least amount of Beliebers inside

   It is so hot and humid in Montreal that our dog tried to get into the deep freezer to cuddle with my daughter's a sshole ex-boyfriend.

   Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after...

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   The sexual frustration at this church bake sale is palpable.

   If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.

   I always worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not taking any notice.

   I,m always a bit down this time of year,The wife said "could it be the alcohol,,,I said "JEESE,,,,,I,M DRINKING AS MUCH AS I CAN ,!!!!

   I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.

   I love St. Valentine's Day. Not the holiday, the massacre.

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   Yes, I'm still listening. Now play the damn ad so I can get back to the music.

   These people who came up with this "B1ng" search engine in hopes to compete with G00gle remind me of that company that came up with the Z une trying to compete with the I Pod.

   i hope my mom isn't making corned beef and cabbage today.. that stuff smells and tastes like sh*t