Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.

   surprisingly, saying “Girl, you look good, won't you back that thang up, You'se a fine motherlover, won't you back that thang up” has not gotten me as much tail as you might think…

   I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??

   Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..

   I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.

   I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and the forecast for today is ceilings

   "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

   I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . .

   The Royal Baby is already promised to marry into the Lannister family.

   I wonder if sex thinks about me as much as I think about sex

   Phillip is cryin a River after that Texan sized ass whoopin

   Children make you fat because you have to eat all their leftover food.

   If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   "Seize the Day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" in dbag it's "YOLO"

   If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook

   Thanks to the color of their bras, sizes of their shoes and for some really random reason - how long they take to straighten their hair, I am now aware that breast cancer exists. Couldn't have done it without that crucial information!

   Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'

   I am the kind of guy, who, if you hold your cigarette far enough out the window, I'll take a puff off of it.

   My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.