Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Noone is ever best-friends with an English major...

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   Johnny Depp dresses like a human dreamcatcher.

   This trucker just cut me off and now when I call to complain no one is answering at 1-800 EAT SH!T.

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   REMEMBER: a noisy BBQ may upset your neighbours. Another great way to annoy them is to throw your rubbish into their garden...

   My parents should be proud of me.. Because I'm addicted to Facebook and not drugs.. (^_^)

   ..is making it look she has an IPad by drawing out the internet on her Etch-a-Sketch.

   So, the Phoenix Suns are going to have "Los Suns" on their jerseys for the next game. I think that "el esquema de marketing" would be more appropriate.

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   afraid of yellow crayons.

   likes waking up after a nap and finding out theres a whole night to go with that kinky dream!"

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   so I was at a bar and saw a really hot girl, I decided to play it cute and went up to her with a corny pick up line. "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together." She looked at me disgusted and said, "Let's leave it the way it is wit

   never play leapfrog with a unicorn

   going to a BBQ as a vegetarian, which is a bit like the Pope going to a brothel. He knows he's going to have a great time, but he's going to feel really guilty and weird about it

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   I like the new "like" button to "like" someone's response to a status they possibly "like." So, like, when can they add a dis-"like" button? You know, like to use on this status.

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.