Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It sad when you realize that even your hideously ugly friend is in a relationship and you are still single and dateless.

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   Its sad that at a certain point some peoples promises just start too sound like Charlie Brown's Teacher..."Wah wah wah wah wah wah"

   the guy that drives behind me normally chewing his finger was eating a pizza this morning. I was curious to find out the topping so I hit the brakes suddenly. It was pineapple and ham

   You know what I like about Politicians? ..... When they leave office. Heck, they're just like Diapers ... they need to be changed .... AND often!!!

   So Mexico just announced that they will build a latter.

   When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

   As a kid my father used to hit me with his camera. I still get flashbacks

   Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

   why doesnt James Bond Fart ine Bed? It would blow his cover

   My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn’t suffer, it was instant

   murder is just a late abortion

   Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults

   I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to b

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.

   I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.