Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I work and pay taxes so the wealthy dont have to,

   Since girls pubes are extinct, we'll will never know your real hair color. Well played ladies...

   The Mars rover captured Ted Cruz as its first image on Mars.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.

   "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -

   A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.

   Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.

   URGENT WARNING! Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to kitchen, get aluminum foil, and wrap it around your head. Stay calm and breathe through your left nostril ONLY. This is a SERIOUS problem and has been confir

   Instead of telling everybody what colour your damn bra is or to 'like' a certain page as show of support, put 10 bucks in the bloody tin at the shopping center if you really want to help the Japanese people who are reeling from the tsunami. Stop talking o

   French Toast.....French Fries....French Kiss and now French Fighter Jets....all bad a** contributions by France

   When someone tries to shoot at Colonel Gadaffi,do his bodyguards need to shout 'Gadaffi duck' ?????

   The kids wanted to go somewhere expensive~so I told them to get their piggybanks and we went to the gas station.....they didn't think it was as funny as I did....

   I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper

   went to see the planet of the apes movie. and I be damned if I didnt see a classmate from high school in the movie

   Trying to get the taste of Weed and Hooker Spit out of my mouth.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   If you like mine, I'll like yours. Status people...talking STATUS!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   Remember Ladies, blojobs are flowers for men.