Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)

   The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it...

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started rollin fatter blunts...

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   "The trouble with Quotes on the internet is that it difficult to determine whether or not they're authentic" ~ Abraham Lincoln ~

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   Correct me if I am wrong but if your white, is it no longer cool to get beads braided into your pubic hair?

   The problem with having so many followers is that simple jokes are now beneath me. Like your mother.

   I hate when I accidentally get married and have 11 children with a woman then realize I dont love her anymore and leave her for my secretary

   I've just wrote a song about crabs. It's really catchy.

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   M.A.G.A: My Attorney Got Arrested

   Due to social correctness, BIack Sabbath will now be called, "A Dark Shade Of The Day Of Rest."

   PRO TIP: You Can't be under FBI investigation if there's no FBI Director.

   I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out

   wishes McDonalds delivered!

   -don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls

   just want to point out to you all that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!..just saying...

   ‎"Oh my god, they have Rolling Rock??!!" - said by maybe 2 or 3 people a year.

   Quote of the night. "Sex dolls are not meant for speed."