Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...

   TEQUILA wants to know... Have you hugged your toilet today?

   Let's play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare because no one knows how to tell the truth anymore.

   That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

   Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)

   The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it...

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started rollin fatter blunts...

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   "The trouble with Quotes on the internet is that it difficult to determine whether or not they're authentic" ~ Abraham Lincoln ~

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   Correct me if I am wrong but if your white, is it no longer cool to get beads braided into your pubic hair?

   The problem with having so many followers is that simple jokes are now beneath me. Like your mother.

   I hate when I accidentally get married and have 11 children with a woman then realize I dont love her anymore and leave her for my secretary

   I've just wrote a song about crabs. It's really catchy.

   I don't get it, what's the big deal with texting and driv

   I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out

   wishes McDonalds delivered!

   -don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls