Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just gave Gatorade to my neighbor's horse...it's been running in circles for 2 hours

   I'll date anyone who isn't an idiot, hints the reason I'm still single.

   Hey negative people; The only thing I want negative in my life are pregnancy tests.

   Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.

   It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me

   Army drone crashes near Pennsylvania elementary school! Probably taking pics of lil kids - NS@ Pedophiles

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up

   Damn hard of hearing pharmacist. I had trouble sleeping so I asked for Nytol. He gave me Mydol. So here I am, wide awake, but I have to admit the cramps and bloating are gone.

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   if you sling enough poop against the wall, eventually some will stick...Lil-David, snotty, stoner dudee and a few others...

   If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...

   2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.

   I cut my thunb and am texting with my index finger. Can I get one of those special license plates?

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   to all of you Virgins, thanks for nothing.

   This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?