Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

   Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it

   come to America to study, go home and become a terrorist...cancel the student visa

   Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards.

   my friend is dating a chinese billionare, his name is Cha Ching

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   Here's an idea on how our Government function....Democrat stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the Republican stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SH!TT!ER!!'

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves...?

   enough about Tiger Woods already!!! who cares he cheated on his wife. Cheating goes on everywhere!!!! who else is tired about hearing of it? Letterman didnt even get this kind of coverage when he did it.

   If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

   I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

   All I want to do is go to open houses & earnestly whisper to potential buyers “it’s a shame what happened to the previous family.”

   It's curious how a dog's erection can look so much like a tube of cherry chapstick yet do almost nothing for chapped lips.

   I can't wait for Donald Trump to say to Obama "you're fired"

   What if Donald Trump's entire immigration policy was just an elaborate ploy to divorce Melania?

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

   Fun fact: orange amoebas have small minds, small hands and no gentalia.

   Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.

   it just her or did anyone else thing we would be living like the Jetsons in 2010?!

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...