Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.

   Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.

   Dear cops, Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21. Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone!

   Apple is coming out with a new phone. It's called the Lebron james edition. It's silent and has no rings

   I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

   Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

   Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it

   come to America to study, go home and become a terrorist...cancel the student visa

   Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards.

   enough about Tiger Woods already!!! who cares he cheated on his wife. Cheating goes on everywhere!!!! who else is tired about hearing of it? Letterman didnt even get this kind of coverage when he did it.

   Here's an idea on how our Government function....Democrat stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the Republican stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SH!TT!ER!!'

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves...?

   my friend is dating a chinese billionare, his name is Cha Ching

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

   I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

   All I want to do is go to open houses & earnestly whisper to potential buyers “it’s a shame what happened to the previous family.”

   What if Donald Trump's entire immigration policy was just an elaborate ploy to divorce Melania?

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.