Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.

   Children are just little a$$holes waiting to grow up to be bigger a$$holes.

   A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.

   I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie

   One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.

   CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)

   We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.

   I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town.

   It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"

   I've had an awesome life and I still haven't needed to use algebra. Who was the a-hole who made up a useless subject like this to be tested in on is school, did I mention they were an a-hole. . .

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.

   Some people tell me they think I may have Tourettes. I've got know idea BALLSACK what they're talking about.

   At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat."

   I shall be the first person ever to step foot on the sun. Now, I know exactly what's going through your mind, but I got it all figured out - I'm going at night