Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.

   I've had an awesome life and I still haven't needed to use algebra. Who was the a-hole who made up a useless subject like this to be tested in on is school, did I mention they were an a-hole. . .

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.

   I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town.

   It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"

   Some people tell me they think I may have Tourettes. I've got know idea BALLSACK what they're talking about.

   At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat."

   I shall be the first person ever to step foot on the sun. Now, I know exactly what's going through your mind, but I got it all figured out - I'm going at night

   Yes your girlfriend is beautiful and I totally dig that you guys just met, BUT, He is my neighbor and works in a drag club.

   I ate half a dozen cans of beans today all for nothing. Was I ever embarrased when I found out it's "Fat Tuesday" and not "Fart Tuesday"

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   Thank you Google homepage image, for reminding me to bust out my Bunsen burner and heat, sterilize or combust something in tribute of Robert Bunsen's 200th b day. Where would laboratories abroad be without you, burner of Bunseness...

   never lied to you much when it really mattered.

   Everyone has that one friend you can't bring anywhere cuz they always embarrass you, If you can't think of anyone, it's you.