Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.

   I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!

   thinkin'....HEY! Guy on the Orajel commercial...Orajel is not to be substitued for seeing an 'actual' dentist....if your tooth is achin' for that long... it's probably rotting out of your mouth...and you might need to get that checked out....

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure

   Any man who does that should be Hung!" The man slowly took a sip of his beer then quietly replied... "I am,......and that's why she is happy to mow the lawn.

   My mom and I were playing "Call of Duty" the other day.... I was calling her to check if she was doing the cleaning, cooking, and ironing

   Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.

   wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off...

   listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

   Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

   The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!

   wishing that the gnomes would return my stuff!

   thinks mother nature is bi-polar

   I believe theirs more than one way to skin a cat!!! but the cat wont like any one of them

   The Only Crimson Tide A Longhorn Fan is Afraid of Comes Once A Month From His Wife Or Girlfriend!

   illegal touching, number 7 Offense.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

   Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.