Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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.... SEAL Team 6 Killed the bearded one ..... let's get that straight .... once and for all!!!!! 
Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Breaking news: Taliban fighters seen throwing down their weapons and running for the hills after USA repeals "Don't Ask Don't Tell".......
broke as a mofo..why can't Santa Claus be real????
thinks some people should not be allowed to drive, reproduce, or breathe........and especially not all at the same time
“How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied. … then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.
cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.
I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!
thinkin'....HEY! Guy on the Orajel commercial...Orajel is not to be substitued for seeing an 'actual' dentist....if your tooth is achin' for that long... it's probably rotting out of your mouth...and you might need to get that checked out....
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure
Any man who does that should be Hung!" The man slowly took a sip of his beer then quietly replied... "I am,......and that's why she is happy to mow the lawn.
My mom and I were playing "Call of Duty" the other day.... I was calling her to check if she was doing the cleaning, cooking, and ironing
Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.
wishing that the gnomes would return my stuff!
thinks mother nature is bi-polar
illegal touching, number 7 Offense.
I believe theirs more than one way to skin a cat!!! but the cat wont like any one of them
The Only Crimson Tide A Longhorn Fan is Afraid of Comes Once A Month From His Wife Or Girlfriend!
wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off...
listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right? 