Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy: "Are those space pants? Cause your a** is outta this world" Girl: "No, they are softball pants, & this a** is outta your league

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

   If you want rant and rave go elsewhere, this is for funny material... or I'll hold you down and fart in your mouth.

   Facebook should have a limit to the amount of times you can change your relationship status, after three changes, it should default to "UNSTABLE".

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   It's just amazing how much has changed since we got bin Laden.

   if swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me?

   if you don't want to be a full time daddy put that thing on your pants

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling rolling around in a pile of money, then snorting it.

   Facebook looks so boring on the outside. But once you start using it, IT'S LIKE NARNIA BRO!

   Looks like the redneck twins have lost their jobs and girlfriends to Mexicans and black guys again. So brace yourselves for more r@cial backlash.

   Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth... your smell, your taste... Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!

   I don't blame Mexicans for boarder hopping. We did something subliminally messed up to them. When we were creating our country, just above Mexico, we created a state called New Mexico. Now what Mexican wouldn't want to check that out?

   God please give me the power to walk away when another god wants to take your place!

   I can't wait to see who gets fired next week on Celebrity Appresident.

   Cain killed Abel by bashing him over the head with a rock. Guns would not be invented for another 8000 years or so.

   9:03. North snores as Kanye sings a lullaby. Furious, Kanye claps & she jumps awake. "You think you can fall asleep during my performance?"

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   Define FREE you over-leveraged, bankrupt, healthcare inflated, morbidly obese, war monguering, globally ignorant, media slaves?

   Black Friday: The day you spend hundreds of dollars on possessions to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in possessions.