Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dont trust anything that can bleed for five days and doesnt die...just sayin

   I can't believe people these days. I was at church and the lady next to me lit a cigarette.....I damn near spilled my beer!

   FACEBOOK: Where dramatic people post about "drama" thus creating more of it.

   I was going to tell you a joke about covid 19 but 99% of you won’t get it......

   how many schools are going to get shot up before we as parents decide to start arming our teachers!

   When I was a kid I wrote to Santa Clause to "please send me a baby brother",,,,,,Santa wrote back "send me your mother"!

   I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Texts and check Facebookk."

   Do we ever really "Want" McDonalds?

   OMN - (Oh My Nothing) Atheist text acronym

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

   thinks more people would take Sara Palin seriously if she lowered the tonal quality of her voice. Ow, my freakin' ears!!

   If you can read this, you need to stop stalking me on facebook

   Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

   Dont you just love X-mas time. Its the only legal stalking month. You know what I mean.. Someone pops out of the mall..you follow them and a nice slow stalking speed..Waiting ..Then you know its time to attack..Got the parking stall. Mission accomplished!

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   There 10 types of people in the world, the ones who understand Binary and ones who don't

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad

   I love mustache, rides.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.