Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   Lean pockets directions: Take out of wrapper and place directly into toilet.

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   Thanks Obama, for making me rich, said no black guy ever...

   You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?

   The only question about gay marriage is how they get along with pain and E.coli.

   like they say in vegas.....always bet on black!!!!

   You are in the top 1% of Government handouts, Obama, supporter! I command you to give me 60% of your handout and pay your fair share!

   On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   Might have to break down and start wearing condoms. My crabs were just diagnosed with herpes.

   Snooki has her baby! In other news, Willy Wonka said to be on a secret rescue mission of a newborn Oompa loompa...

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??

   really thinks you should get help

   Everything gets stolen this Friday, because it's Black Friday

   If your going to ask a girl out, make sure you know you'll treat her right. I see some guys treat their Girls like garbage. It's a disgrace. Have some respect!

   Faith by definition is: "Believing in things without evidence", but personally I don't do that..... because I'm not an idiot.

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...

   A woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less?