Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   Snow peas are just like regular peas except the licky boom boom down.

   Thanks Obama, for making me rich, said no black guy ever...

   You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   Lean pockets directions: Take out of wrapper and place directly into toilet.

   If your going to ask a girl out, make sure you know you'll treat her right. I see some guys treat their Girls like garbage. It's a disgrace. Have some respect!

   really thinks you should get help

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??