Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: George Zimmerman says he's "keeping an eye on" the Royal Baby, will let us know if anything seems suspicious

   So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin

   - Today's word of the day is "Legs". Now let's go back to my place and spread the word.

   To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%

   There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh prove that time and time again.

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   cant wear skinny jeans because my rolls wont fit

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   My father was a professional wrestler. He hit us but did not hit us!!

   You notice how I don't stick a million bumper stickers and flags, with a man's name on it, on my car like a f-ing weirdo?

   I hope my kid's take God to school with them !!

   Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"

   Just read the instructions on a stick of deoderant "remove top and push up bottom". Having trouble walking but farts smell great!

   first you want same sex marriage, what's next...same sex divorce

   For how long must I wait and toil in the FRIEND ZONE before she lets me hit it??

   Obama is all about change. Unfortunately, it's my change and your change he'll take...

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   Obama asking the Iranians to return the Stealth Drone was probably the biggest joke of 2011.