Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   My father was a professional wrestler. He hit us but did not hit us!!

   You notice how I don't stick a million bumper stickers and flags, with a man's name on it, on my car like a f-ing weirdo?

   I hope my kid's take God to school with them !!

   Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"

   first you want same sex marriage, what's next...same sex divorce

   Just read the instructions on a stick of deoderant "remove top and push up bottom". Having trouble walking but farts smell great!

   For how long must I wait and toil in the FRIEND ZONE before she lets me hit it??

   Obama is all about change. Unfortunately, it's my change and your change he'll take...

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   Obama asking the Iranians to return the Stealth Drone was probably the biggest joke of 2011.

   President Obama - The worlds most powerful insurance salesman.. How embarrassing.

   rael says "ceasefire", Hamas says "reload".

   did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   4-20... The day when it is obvious which of your friends are still mentally in high school.

   wtf? why is Obama meeting with Indians? Thanksgiving is still 3 weeks away!

   all he's done in 2 yrs is take fancy trips and vacations on our dime!!

   feels sorry for guys who's girlfriends call them The Boy. Hanging out with The Boy Tonight. Obviously he's not the man.

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.