Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bathtubs 2, Browns 0

   I am glad I am American, and I am glad that I am free, but I wish I was a dog, and Obama was a tree.

   Dear Facebook.. A new sidebar chat?? seriously?? if I wanna chat I use msn.. if I wanna video chat I use skype.. so STOP IT ALREADY!!!!!!

   the akward moment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "I will survive".

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   The "necessity" that is Planned Parenthood, in all actuality, stemmed from Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   Obama = Winning

   America invades a country and everyone starts flipping out, Russia invades Ukraine and no one says a word.

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   BREAKING: George Zimmerman says he's "keeping an eye on" the Royal Baby, will let us know if anything seems suspicious

   So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin

   - Today's word of the day is "Legs". Now let's go back to my place and spread the word.

   To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%

   There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh prove that time and time again.

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   cant wear skinny jeans because my rolls wont fit