Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was grocery shopping today and when I was finished I went to the checkout line. The lady at the register said "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I said "No. I was looking for a $100 bill in the Rice Krispies section I but didn't find one."

   I see that you live next door to a pilot. You know, pile it here and pile it there.

   Alt-Left + Alt-Right = DELETE I am an independent. Enough said... Go Home!!!

   I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...

   Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .

   If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".

   : Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.

   I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change

   i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse

   The country is going down for the simple fact that some people really hate Trump. Let that sink in

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   What does water have against Houston? First it was Whitney now this..!!

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse

   How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

   my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight

   If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.