Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 90 y/o Grandpa is living proof how lazy immigrants are. He hasn't worked in 20 years!

   Preschoolers talk a lot of trash when playing Chutes and Ladders for little people who needs help counting spaces.

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades Darker is if the guy tied up our garbage bags and dominated the yard work.

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   alexa... make me a sandwhich

   Lent is almost here! Time to get your Ash in church!

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," Naturally I assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

   "A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.

   My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.

   I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)

   We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.

   Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.

   the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.

   They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room". Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.