Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The man who discovered copper died penniless

   If you can't handle me at my drunk,...join the crowd.

   my beer never tells me it has a girlfriend.

   let's take a picture of Trump at his Inauguration...and then again 4 years later. Should be fun!

   What are nudes? Someone show me.

   Internal discussion at Toyota today about which Trump golf tournament they should sponsor this spring.

   So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me.

   I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.

   Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright

   Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   President Trump should act more presidential. Instead of ignoring reporters, he should do what our current president does, and BANS THEM from the press conferences..

   It is in the best interest of the United Sates to have better relations with Russia because Russian women are HOT!!!!

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.

   Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.

   Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.

   when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .

   I think I can beat up a group of ninjas. According to the movies, they must attack you one at a time while everyone else rocks back and forth in a absurd manner. So I think I have a chance!!!!