Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.

   Back in my day we didn't have pods, we had Dry Powder, and we liked it.

   You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   I’m really confused as to why Kim & Kanye named their newborn “Chicago West” when Kanye is from the South Side of Chicago.

   Having daughters can increase life expectancy for fathers

   Let them hate. Just make sure they spell your name right.

   I Dream of using this phrase One day "Let's Just Take My Helicopter than"

   I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying.

   Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.

   The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?

   Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?

   Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too

   So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up.

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   I think I'm going to make chocolate covered Tide Pods for Valentine's day

   Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.

   Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.