Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.

   To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.

   Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.

   They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.

   Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!

   Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.

   For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.

   when a friend messages you a GIF image for your birthday, is that a birthday GIFt ?

   No I am not childish. You are just a doodoo head!

   You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?

   You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder

   Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.

   The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.