Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

   Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

   Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)

   I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.

   I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.

   Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

   I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

   Home is where your toilet is.

   If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

   My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

   Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

   “What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

   [Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories

   How did the dude sell us out when the other dude and his kid made all the money? Enquiring minds (and the Feds) want to know, Joe.

   Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.