Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.

   Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.

   When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   its never too late to go back to bed.

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?

   Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

   After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

   My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

   Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.