Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting

   Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)

   Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.

   I want to grow old with you - me, to my couch

   I ONLY beg in the bedroom.

   I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!

   “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting

   Did you know that smacking a bar waitress on the a$$ will get you a drink from the special menu ?..

   If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.

   Maybe if all 50 states legalized marijuana, we would all be handling this presidency much better.

   day 489 without sex: the demon I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis lookin kinda cute now

   At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?

   The spectacle before us was indeed sublime.

   My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?

   I'm so poor growing up that we couldn't afford hamburger helper so we bought beef assistant.

   I wonder what other phone calls Cohen has recorded?

   I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.

   I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.

   "Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."