Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   google. type the words "why does my poop" and let google magic fill in the laughs with the suggested questions

   one day I'll sit down with my grandchildren and dust off an old favorite movie I used to watch as a kid. as we watch" fast and furious" together, the kids laugh at those silly lookin cars.

   encourages everyone this year to give pencils and coupons to Trick-or-Treaters who show up without a costume

   according to statistics you waste 5 years of your life looking at facebook!!

   It sucks when you walk into a room, and you can't remember what you went in there for, so then you leave, then a few minutes later you remember that you're a fireman, and a bunch of people just died.

   It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.

   It'd be really weird if animals were like pokemon in that they said their names instead of making sounds. So instead of going "Meow" a cat would walk around going "CAAAAAAT CAAAAAT! CATCATCATCAT!"

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← my friends are awesome →→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart

   You cant trust someone just because you want to ,either you do or you don't

   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

   climbed a tree yesterday and fell... I've finally matured!

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!

   if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...