Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite animal is steak.

   It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

   I broke a mirror in my house, I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Candyland tastes like cardboard.

   Some people don't like Vietnemese food,but I don't know what they're complaining pho.

   It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.

   Cowboys at Eagles Sunday night. Up for Homo Romo to go down on the Eagles.

   Really Olive Garden, Unlimited breadsticks? I'll have 20.000 of them. Oh I can't have 20.000? then their not unlimited are they?

   Teacher: "I am beautiful, which tense is this?" Me: "Obviously the past...”

   I finally know what I wana be for Halloween this year....18 Again! How scary would that be!

   If Facebook isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it

   I finally know what I wana be for Halloween this year....18 Again!

   when ur a kid you ask "why do I gotta pick up my toys?"...when ur an adult you get the answer

   I hate that awkad moment when a dumb b!tch likes a Facebook page called "I Hate Dumb B!tches."

   Some people's facebook $tatuse$ are ridiculously overdramatic. "going to school feels like a knife through my heart!!!" it's like, .....shut up.

   I am dressing as an extinct species for Halloween...a hard working black man.

   There are some people on facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And I should probably see a therapist about this'

   I'll be Black you stay White here!

   An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.jj

   Thunder only happens when it's raining..Players only love you when they're playin..