Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.

   Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.

   Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...

   The best things in life are free drugs.

   My favorite Greek philosopher was Tentacles. His work just grabs me, ya know?

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral at all of their stores?

   Donald Trump has great respect for women in general, according to his new publicist Mrs. Doubtfire.

   Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Spider-Man in the streets, the Hobgoblin in the sheets.

   Whenever it rains the trees scream "it's party time"

   No one wants to chill with me tonight cuz I lost my Netflix password

   I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.

   I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?

   More Americans trust Fox News than the President on climate change according to a recent survey done by Fox News.

   So bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool today at the YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in!

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.