Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does it look like I know what a polygon is?

   Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver

   Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time.

   Kanye West is a genius? In other worthless news, I am also a genius in the eyes of my dogs and cats.

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   Hacked into Santa's computer and obtain is naughty girls list........ Looks like there be no more lonely nights for me.

   When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.

   Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.

   Pride Parade bans Drag Queens, it offends transgenders.Libs are confused on what side to take.

   I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.

   My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

   You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.