Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?

   Melania better drink a lot of coffee and water today, because it will take several minutes of getting peed on to help the Donald recover from this blow.

   Note to self - playing the Trump card isn't as effective when the Trump is a joker.

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.

   The pollen count is so high meth labs are busy trying to turn their meth back into Benadryl