Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am crying finding out that the world's greatest neurosurgeons finally meet, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Dr. Derek Shepard. What?!?! They are supposed to be dead.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   CarefreeBlackKids2k16 offers both heated arguments with friends and figuring out how the dog filter works on Snapchat. Great way to unite America!

   Nothing says come at me like high waisted jorts and sensible sneakers.

   If Trump builds a wall do the gays get to decorate it?

   This status was written and copyrighted in America, stolen by the Chinese, and re-branded. But I was able to get it for a really good deal on EBay. Just took like a month to get here.

   I once thought I would become a vegetarian because of how much I loved farm animals, then I realized how much I loved farm animals and there is no way I would become a vegetarian.

   You win some You lose some You set some on fire.

   Don't you wish they would invent a Clap-on Clap-off device for some peoples mouths? Well .... Until then I guess the usual "Apply Fist to Face" routine will have to do.

   Turns out doing and saying not very well thought out things is actually a very dumb stupid idiotic thing to do ..... Just ask my wife ..... Well .... Ex-Wife now.

   New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.

   I rise to join your Pokemon cult!

   Just when you thought kids were actually beginning to enter into the world of reality ................ Pokemon GO

   Pokemon Go - Get your information stolen and get hit by a car.

   Three kinds of Betty Crocker cake mix are being voluntarily recalled by General Mills over concerns they could be contaminated with E.coli. Now that's an exciting new cake flavor if you ask me.

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score !

   This morning I thanked the Starbucks barista and told him to have a magical day and the lady next to me waiting for coffee stared and said, "I could really use some magic today, could you wish me a magical day too?" Lady, sorry I am not a magician here...

   Being in Costco without family or friends is like being lost in a strange universe. Who am I going to share the poutine with?

   Wonder if it would become a national tragedy if a Pokemon Go Character appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?

   The weather today was good enough for me to feel ashamed about my body.