Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.

   My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.

   I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)

   We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.

   Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.

   the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.

   They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room". Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.

   Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.

   I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.

   The hardest working position in the White House is Donald Trump's belt.

   I can't be the only one who is concernd about the White House burning down if all of Donald Trump's pants catch fire. Not only does he have a lot of pants, but they are yuuuuge pants.

   A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

   Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.

   Poll: 19% believe Trump told truth re Obama wiretapping him. That, ladies & gents, is the core. 1 of 5 will believe anything Trump says.

   Those predictions of Trump starting a war to deflect Russia issues AND gain more power are coming true.

   Spicer, Nunes, Conway and Trump. These are the biggest jokes ever.

   Trump will make tremendous deals, incredible deals, as long as he doesn't face yuuuuuge obstacles like a large GOP majority in the House.

   People sometimes confuse deal-making skills with having enough money to bully the little guys into doing what you want.

   Devin Nunes is also sorry: 1) He told your abusive husband where you were hiding. 2) You were born poor. 3) He didn't ask Vlad for more cash.