Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool today at the YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in!

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.

   ... DAMMIT ..... Stop the WORLD .... I wanna GET OFF!!!

   TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.

   Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.

   At anger management classes in Canada, they teach people to apologize less sharply.

   Starting the Independence Day celebration today at work by wearing red, white, & blue and shooting deer from my office window with my AK-47.

   Always have the most fun on the Fourth of July. You don’t have to exchange any gifts. You just go to the beach and watch fireworks.

   Happy Canada day!!!!! 🇨🇦cheers to living in the best country in the world!

   I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my freedom or gunshots....

   Favorite all-time Disney snuff film is "Frying Dory."

   Just realized the definition of the word "word" is made up of many words and now I have a headache.

   Rachel Dolezal celebrated Canada Day by announcing she's a Canadian.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   I'm awesome cuz I can do 50 push-ups. Granted not at once and over 57 days.

   If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

   Not saying that I have commitment issues, but my favorite part of Forrest Gump is when he just keeps running.