Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

   I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

   Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.

   Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed

   If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Just because she is constantly under FBI investigation and has been proven to be totally corrupt doesn't mean she's unqualified to be President of the United States! just kidding

   "I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - Pumpkin

   Spinal Tap: When you're lying in bed facing away from your partner and you feel two taps on your back; the universal signal for, "wanna?"

   The Flubs. 109 and counting

   American media be like: "This just in... Russia dumps a load of manure at DNC Headquarters"

   I have come to the sad conclusion that Common Sense is a lot like a Deodorant! ... Yup ... The people who need it the most .... Never Use It.

   If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

   I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   The cone of silence. The secret square. The inner circle. Just what the heck is geometry hiding?

   People wonder what happened to rock n roll. I'll tell you. It's now made by computers with no talent people who talk, not sing over the song, or others who over-sing and think The Voice exemplifies what singing should be.