Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Just because she is constantly under FBI investigation and has been proven to be totally corrupt doesn't mean she's unqualified to be President of the United States! just kidding

   "I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - Pumpkin

   Spinal Tap: When you're lying in bed facing away from your partner and you feel two taps on your back; the universal signal for, "wanna?"

   The Flubs. 109 and counting

   American media be like: "This just in... Russia dumps a load of manure at DNC Headquarters"

   I have come to the sad conclusion that Common Sense is a lot like a Deodorant! ... Yup ... The people who need it the most .... Never Use It.

   If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

   I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   The cone of silence. The secret square. The inner circle. Just what the heck is geometry hiding?

   People wonder what happened to rock n roll. I'll tell you. It's now made by computers with no talent people who talk, not sing over the song, or others who over-sing and think The Voice exemplifies what singing should be.

   clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*

   Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk"

   Are you sure that's all the cats you have?

   I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.

   You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.

   My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...

   Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.