Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love getting fresh clean underwear out of the dryer....I just wish I knew who they belong to!

   The truth shall set you free... if you have a spare $100,000 for legal fees.

   Ambulances & Fire Trucks would be more effective if they played "Move B*ich Get Out The Way" by Ludacris instead of a siren!

   Spongebob: "Can you hear me?" Patrick: "No, It's too dark."

   the best halloween treat a woman could ask for.

   Some people don't like Vietnemese food,but I don't know what they're complaining pho.

   This lady was saying how her daughter is "super strong for a 2 year-old." Now I'm testing the kid and she can't lift sh!t.

   I can't wait to see my girlfriends face in 12 days when I tell her I'm done playing black ops. I'm going to let the happiness soak in for about 2 minutes then turn on modern ware fare 3.

   Layaway season is back! Yessssssss!

   if you're happy & you know it, shut the hell up.

   When a couple is so much in love, they are called LOVE BIRDS. When a couple always argues and fight, they are called ANGRY BIRDS.

   When your girlfriend asks you "Do I look fat?", the correct response is "Do I look stupid?"

   if a quiz is quizzical, what's a test!!

   piece be with you, especially if it's ass

   it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it's ok you're in the right place :)"

   i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.

   Whoever convinced these singers that they can automatically crossover to acting must be shot.

   Welcome back home Kim. You tried to fight it, but once you go black, you never go back.

   hitting my " like " button makes you ten times more attractive

   The power went out, so I'm taking my shower by LED flashlight, just like they did in the olden days.