Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   I love blank papers. They are so innocent.

   a plus to dressing slutty on a date - you really don't have to be all that interesting.

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   I'm thinking I've swung back to hating everyone. Phew glad I'm over that selective phase I had there.

   HUGH HEFNER - Apparently, having sex with a lot of different women can extend your like. I wonder why I'm not dead yet.

   Churches-Some of the most beautiful ornate building that house the most ugly & bitter people that hate life & want you to hate it too

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   I want to be reincarnated as a lesbo. I can still eat p ussy plus I get to hit from the ladies tees!

   Not only is it April fools day. Did you know today is offially national egg salad lunch day. . .

   Most haters are stuck in a poisonous mental prison of jelousy and self doubt that blinds them to their own potential.

   Internet searches get you many results, most are different and leaves one more confused than before the search. As a source for answers, the much lauded "Super Information Highway" has become the "Road To Nowhere".

   I just tried on a pair of skinny jeans and accidentally got my balls caught in the zipper and now I know the words to every Bruno Mars song....

   Screvving with a rubber is like eating steak with a balloon on your tongue.

   I think i'm in pizza with you.

   When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek

   I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys