Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Randomly digging holes. Want to know why. Come around and I'll fill you in.

   Today, may you do all the things you said you'd do - and feel damn good about it.

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.

   Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!

   Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent

   so KimYe are planning to name their baby North, I think South is more fitting though.

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   I love blank papers. They are so innocent.

   a plus to dressing slutty on a date - you really don't have to be all that interesting.

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   I'm thinking I've swung back to hating everyone. Phew glad I'm over that selective phase I had there.

   HUGH HEFNER - Apparently, having sex with a lot of different women can extend your like. I wonder why I'm not dead yet.

   Churches-Some of the most beautiful ornate building that house the most ugly & bitter people that hate life & want you to hate it too

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   I want to be reincarnated as a lesbo. I can still eat p ussy plus I get to hit from the ladies tees!

   Not only is it April fools day. Did you know today is offially national egg salad lunch day. . .