Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*

   Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?

   All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.

   No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.

   Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.

   I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!

   Sometimes I spend whole office meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door...

   Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?

   Making love is just a fancy way of saying missionary.

   Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time.

   Wooing a girl is just where you keep shouting WOO! in their face, right?

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.

   Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   One things for sure, the catering at Klan rallys just got a lot better!!

   eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets.