Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm not very photogenic" in other words you're ugly.

   I'm like Hank Williams Jr. but instead of all my rowdy friends coming over tonight they are getting married and having children before me

   "So it says here on your resume that you are a 'master debater'?" "Yeah, umm... well... that is a typo"

   Women are like Algebra equations. Whatever you do on one side, you have to do to the other.

   According to math, hindsite is 1

   Nobody thought to inject the blood of Benedict Cumberbatch to save Leonard Nimoy? Perhaps this is why I'm not a doctor...

   Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"

   Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?

   My deepest, darkest secret is that I put my pants on two legs at a time. I feel so alone.

   Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food

   There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.

   BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.

   How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.

   Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...

   How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?

   What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.

   Today is national Happy Day. Off to the liquor store I go.

   Some serious smack talk in the office today going on between Indian and Sri Lankan Cricket World Cup fans if anyone is wondering what its like working in IT during March Madness.

   I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime