Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cant wait till black friday at the liquor store

   I pulled over to pick up a one legged hitchhiker. I told him to hop in.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   It's Saturday night, which means I am higher than the national debt.

   Just thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

   Chivalry isn't dead, but it did take an elbow to the ribs when I tried opening the door for that butch looking chick.

   If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!

   Q: What do you call that ugly blob of flesh around Miley Cyrus's navel? A: Miley Cyrus.

   You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....

   What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.

   People who use elevators for going up/down just one floor should be persecuted.

   I'm currently toying with the idea of having an idea.

   Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"

   the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.

   Sorry I'm late for my appointment. I passed a pet store. Waved at the kittens for three hours. You know how it is.

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.