Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: What do you call that ugly blob of flesh around Miley Cyrus's navel? A: Miley Cyrus.

   You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....

   What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.

   People who use elevators for going up/down just one floor should be persecuted.

   I'm currently toying with the idea of having an idea.

   Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"

   the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.

   Sorry I'm late for my appointment. I passed a pet store. Waved at the kittens for three hours. You know how it is.

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions