Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.

   90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.

   So I'm at a bar last night and I see this woman sitting alone. I move in and offer to buy her a drink. She says "Don't waste your time on me. I'm a lesbian." Quick to recover I asked, "Really? So tell me. How are things in Beirut?"

   50 lbs of fruit flavored candy must be good for me right?

   Never had much use for a knight in shining armor but a fine looking man in a pair of Levis....that's a whole 'nother tale.

   Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.

   I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'

   If the first thing Trump says after he wins the election isn't " You're Fired!" I will be highly disappointed

   I saw a sign today at Bob Evans that almost made me pee myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed."

   Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel.

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   'Battery life' is an interesting phrase...it signifies thas your smartphone's battery has a life, but you don't.

   The problem with this generation boils down to the fact that their cartoons suck. And just knowing this is half the battle of Grayskull.

   He who is humble is not stressed by the superiority complex of fools around him.

   "Toats Mcgoats!!!!!"

   The following statement is true: the previous statement is false.

   hard to believe that gangnam style was the top song this time last year

   Went to Walmart for some toilet paper but they were wiped out...

   There are givers and takers in this world... Takers eat better, givers sleep better